depression dispelled: my story

depression dispelled: my story

I can’t even believe that I am doing this! Actually I am very glad that I am, well I think so.

Depression is such a low vibrational expression and the manifestations of it are so daunting that nobody really ever wants to talk about it.

Here you are. People know that something is not right. You want people to care, yet you don’t want to talk about it. You deal with it alone. It begins to eat away at your soul. It’s much easier to sit in the dark, yet you want to find the strength to at least open the room darkening blinds for at least five minutes. You know what’s best but whatever this is keeps holding you down. You cry uncontrollably because you want someone to listen to the words that you aren’t saying. You long for the embrace of someone that just lets you touch their skin. You want to be alone, but not really. You want someone to just get it. And they don’t. You don’t want to ruin another person’s day. You want to be worth it though. You want someone to make you feel worth it. Maybe that’s it! You just want to feel worth it. Or not. Because when they make the slightest gesture that you are a bother, you go right back to where you were. You want to get out of bed to do things, but energy stores are depleted. Everyone thinks you look sickly and that you should eat, but your body spends its energy on survival. It could have more energy to survive if you would just eat, but it takes too much energy to even move. 

What a cycle. And nobody gets it unless they’ve been there. Sadness, well that’s one thing. Depression leaves you feeling like you are in a black hole. You know that you have to pull yourself out but, more often than not, it just takes time and dedication.

Fully grasp this! You do not have to suffer anymore. For some reason, people have become addicted to the feeling of suffering. In order to progress, we must suffer. And for those who have been depressed, that’s just part of the course. NO, that’s not true.

Allopathic doctors will prescribe anti depressants that make you feel like you are losing your mind. Friends will do whatever they can by ordering self help books for you or using Dr. Google. Therapists will tell you to talk it out in a programmed format because that’s what they learned in school somewhere, they just don’t understand that talking it out doesn’t work. Intellects will tell you to come up with a plan so that this never happens again. And all you want to do is say STOP! In reality, all you want is for someone to care. Legit, care! Give a _____!

Here’s my story.

After two suicide attempts and countless depression spells, what really got to me was when my mom said that she was going to send me somewhere if I didn’t get it together. Literally, that was it! Most people would think that I was invincible because of the journey that I’ve been riding. Diagnosis, addictions, you name it, that too. I wasn’t invincible though. I just knew how to hold it in so that I wouldn’t bother anybody. I hated the idea of dramatic people so I stayed far from being such. I cried in silence and beat myself up because I never wanted to bother another person. But I really wanted to be loved. I wanted to be embraced. It really wasn’t part of my childhood and that’s what I longed for. I wanted to be safe and secure. And because I wanted all of those things and never really got them in my language, I turned to substances, self destruction, then finally overcompensating for these longings by giving them to everyone else in abundance. I was not depressed, I was burned out and empty. I attracted receivers because I was such a giver. I would call people ‘just because’ and expect that people would do the same for me. I would change my plans to make sure that everybody around me truly felt loved and embraced and expect that people would do the same for me.

What did I learn?

I learned to allow the source of all creation to handle reciprocity. I learned to give from abundance rather than from a void of expectation. I learned that I needed to open my energy flow so that I could live my life on a personal mission. Fear and anger and jealously and depression are compensation for needing to feel safe and secure. I learned that I was not depressed, I was just burned out. I learned that many of the feelings that I embraced came from self hate and lack of understanding who I truly was. I learned that I get to choose how my day goes and that I attract whatever I am ready for. The cycle is over and I am free! I will admit that I still long for embracing and physical touch at times, but when I revert I know that I have a choice. I no longer work to overcompensate. I serve to serve.

Loving humanity back to life through my hands, one beautiful soul at a time. [that’s my mission and I hope that this blog has helped you understand how and why]

Through my practice of reiki and other energy clearing modalities, I serve to free others from the low vibrational forces that cloud judgment and carry on in an endless cycle. I listen and together we tear down unreliable foundations and build in love.

Whenever you are ready to break the addiction from suffering, I am here to serve. http://www.innateexpressionchiro.com

Love and Light!

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Your sh!t doesn’t even want to be together!

Your sh!t doesn’t even want to be together!

It’s five o’clock. I’m sitting here burning sage, dangling my feet out of the window, patting my head to stop the itchiness with one hand and typing this blog with the other. I spent the morning getting reflexology, massage, and a chiropractic adjustment but mostly just laying on tables and floors crying tears of release and listening to my healing facilitators tell me that I am ok. I tell this to people all of the time, so why in the world am I needing to know that I’m ok?

I’ll tell you why I needed to hear this. The constant bombarding thought that “I don’t have my sh!t together” was taking a toll on me. I guess it leans more to the side of not being grounded, but I use the common phrase to communicate to people that would understand it. My reflexologist often says that he only works with angels, he says that he doesn’t want me to wait until my wings are broken to see him. Contrary to the advice that I give my clients, most times, I do. My chiropractor asked me how I felt and I had no answer-not good or bad just no answer. I don’t think that any of the emoji faces would do the feeling justice. I am floating, that’s the best way to describe it. I’m floating. And for a grounded person like me, the feeling resonated as being disconnected. Why? Because I felt as if my sh!t needed to be together.

For someone that enjoys alone time as much as I do, why would I expect that my sh!t would want to be together all of the time? Because that’s customary-and that’s unfortunate. I believed for so long that I had to put a cape on as soon as I crossed the threshold from my sacred space. Now I’m pretty good with physically presenting myself as who I am without a care for opinion. Emotionally and spiritually, I find myself in an euphoric state ninety percent of the time, but the other ten percent-the human side of me as people would call it-, never presents herself as such. Why? Because, in my head, I think that people aren’t supposed to see that side of me. I can think of five people that actually ask me how they can serve me just because. The other people don’t ask because I don’t invite them to, I guess. More times than not, I gather all of my thoughts and feelings and place them in a bag when preparing to talk to someone. As I allow them to spread all of their baggage on the table, my sh!t sits in the bag trying to puzzle pieces together that aren’t even from the same box. Now don’t misunderstand it, I LOVE my lifestyle career and couldn’t imagine it another way. This blog is to simply let go of thoughts that don’t serve me.

Being an intuitive listener and healer is what my clients love about me the most. I often set those expectations with my own healers and block their innate intelligence from serving me the way that it knows best. Most people say that they don’t read minds, but I do. I read them through physically feeling emotions and blockages. I understand what people don’t say.

My lessons now are acceptance from (not of) others and patience, both of which require total presence in the moment. Between my two healing facilitators, my homework is to do a little more earthing and mediation with visualization.

Here’s the point of this blog entry. Be vulnerable. The world will never benefit from your imagery of having your sh!t altogether. I am actually at the point where I believe that not having it together is freedom. I am okay with spreading it out on the floor and admiring it for what it is. From only the perspective of abundance can you truly ever give and serve another to raise vibration. Life is ebb and flow. Peaks and valleys are perspectives. Every elevation within self comes with new strength training. You ALWAYS have a choice! Always! Let go of the things that aren’t serving your overall purpose. Vulnerability won’t discredit your gift, no worries there. Keep your intentions pure and be free to feel, from there is the only place that you will be able to truly heal.

Love and light!

Transitions

Transitions

Life is a constant transition, FACT! The pace at which we transition is completely up to our free will to step outside of fear and face truth as we are graced to encounter it.

Of all of the things that I’ve had to come out of the closet about, this may be the most precious to my heart and the hardest to admit because of how the majority of people who have known me all of my life might perceive me. Yes, I am the first to tell people that it NEVER matters what anyone thinks. Overstand that I have to tell myself and practice this daily as well. And honestly, this is not even a big deal to many.

*insert lyric* I’m coming out, I want the world to know. Got to let it show….

Now that I am trying to type this, it seriously is not as big as I am making it. The idea that I no longer identify with western religions, or eastern religions for that matter, is really not new for me. I’ve been coming out for years now and I am now okay with it. Mostly, it’s my super religious surroundings that I feared the backlash from. With my dad being a pastor for the majority of my life, religion was all that I knew. Actually, I didn’t really know much about it. I just knew where to be and what to do on Sunday, Wednesday, choir and praise dance rehearsal, bible study, revival, etc. I had no relationship with any of the things that I did as a child. I was very well versed in the lingo though. More than anything, my dad taught me to always ask why. He insisted that I get to the source. I didn’t take his advice until very much recently.

The idea of religion held me back from exploration because I took to the truth that exploration or curiosity would send me on a straight ticket to hell. And now that I am in the awareness that hell is a state of mind that keeps you planted in the life that you can only see, I get it. The bible is figurative and very true, yet I was under the assumption that it was literal and the only inspired writing of The Most High. Now that I know the origins of the stories and such that are part of christianity, it makes sense as to why the religion built from it fits the western fear driven culture. My ancestors do not come from the western world. I learned the idea ancestral worship inside of the church, however, it was geared towards Jesus. Libations and mediation and prayer in african spirituality does the same thing, yet, it realizes that The Most High is the all and in all and that the spirit realm is full of ancestors that look like me and want to help me on my journey. So now I know that the lack of exploration is what kept me bound in hell-the mental struggle. I now understand many of the things that I learned in church and how they make so much sense without the literal content spewing and inspirational messages that come from the pulpit on Sunday mornings. Dance is freedom, so when we shout, we are literally letting go of the things that don’t serve us. When we raise our hands, we are in surrender to the all and receive as we open up to newness. I could go on and on. Everything expressed in any form is inspired by The Most High simply because The Most High is all. We live in duality, there are two sides to everything. Darkness must be as expressed as light for balance.

I think that I digress here or maybe I am trying to explain so much in such a small about of space. The moral of this story is that I am free. I overstand that the christ consciousness that I was taught is actually what is to be attained for the remainder of this age. We are entering the fifth dimension and it’s time to be prepared for that. The universe is transitioning. All that preparation really takes is an open mind. Life is the personification of truth. Whatever I choose to open my eyes to will shape my present and create the continual foundation for the future incarnations of my spirit.

The words that we speak are magical and we have the choice to elevate ourselves daily. The bible contains so many beautiful magical spells and I am grateful for having to memorize so many scriptures, now they have so much more meaning.

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

Allow Me To Reintroduce Myself

Honestly, I thought about starting this blog as a separate entity as I, now, am a completely different type of writer. But I didn’t. My previous posts show the evolutionary process of me. Looking back really allows me to appreciate my now and look forward to how much different this will be in the near future.

Almost thirty, brown girl, doctor, vegan-ish, black economist (I am sure there are quite a few more boxes that I can try to place an attribute of me in-but I won’t). I actually hate boxes. They creep me out and when I find my self closing the lid on a box, I immediately hop out.

This blog is kind of like a coming out story for me. It actually helps to be able to communicate the fact that I am in an amazing place in my life that consists of mostly not knowing. I went from school to corporate to business ownership to school and now I am just living. All of these degrees later and I really enjoy the idea of being an amazing wife and mother to an amazing king and nation. Yep, after all of those worldly accomplishments, I am finally ready to handle that part of my life that I avoided for the simple fact that I had less control of it (solely in my head).

-In a later post, I will share my experience with attracting my lover [insert heart eyes and all of the like emojis]-

Back to the subject at hand. Who am I? A conglomerate of experiences that have allowed me to embrace the evolutionary process. I am almost thirty, yet most of my friends are over sixty. I am a brown girl who lives with everything that comes with owning the power of melanin, yet nothing. I am a licensed doctor, yet I am literally a medicine woman who loves blending herbs and essential oils, whipping shea butter, performing reflexology, reiki, and chiropractic in the woods or near rivers, being aware of the stars and moon cycles, you know, all of those kinds of things. I’ve learned much more after earning my doctoral degree than I did throughout seventeen years of formal schooling (and of course I have strong opinions that will be shared later). I am learning lots about Afrikan history and traditional healing practices that have no desire to be manipulative to the human body. Vegan-ish, I just love that word, I think it describes me perfectly-there really are no rules-as long as there is integrity and authenticity and purpose behind it, I have no qualms about following the path. It has nothing to do with food, it’s just a way to say that I don’t do boxes. I do mostly eat vegan though, but I am not one of those aggravating people that make you feel weird around me. If I do eat animal products, I know where they came from and the entire processing of it. Oh yeah, and I buy black. Just like every other culture, I support my own to build out of self-love.

I look forward to being way more consistent with this blog. Not the same time, every week, kind of consistent, but more often since I can talk about whatever I want to talk about. YouTube was just too much for me, I didn’t really want to do it in the first place PLUS I like words so much better. So to all the readers, thank you for reading.

Peace and love and all of the like!

I am an artist. I do not work for free. The Breakdown.

“I am an artist. I do not work for free.”
THE BREAKDOWN
This is for all of my entrepreneurs
What does it mean? It means this…
As an entrepreneur, I am a walking business. I work passionately from when my eyes open until they shut and I even dream about it, so that means 24 hours per day. And since I do work 24 hours per day, I am always on the clock. Always! …kind of like when you get paid hourly for clocking in and out, actually just like that. My time is very valuable to me and apparently to you, especially when you call me to seek advice about my speciality. I am approachable because I love what I do. I eat sleep and breathe my passion. That’s the beautiful thing about being a full time artist. However, I do not like to be taken advantage of. When you get your paycheck in the corporate world, as I did for a few years, your employer doesn’t ask you for a discount in your check. If she/he did, you would flip. That’s the same way that I feel when you automatically ask me for a discount. You provide a service-for me that’s pouring out my heart with every interaction-so you expect the energy exchange (dollars, coins, trade) to be of equal value. Guess what?!? So do I! If you were to go to a shoe store and couldn’t afford the pair of shoes that you desired, you’d just have to suck it up and buy a different pair OR come back when you can exchange the value. The same applies for me. Many businesses have been developed primarily to exchange lower quality for lower exchange and you are always welcome to invest with them. If that’s your goal, if quality isn’t your top priority, those businesses were designed specifically to meet that need!
My art is not a hobby! This is my life! I live to share it with you. I have responsibilities just like you do and I expect for you to understand that truth. When you don’t, secretly, it hurts my feelings because I’ve offered you all of me at that specific moment. Shhhh! But don’t tell anyone that. I love what I do, art is my life. It flows through my veins just like the air that I breathe. I require that you respect that as I invite you into the innermost parts of my soul.
I am an artist. I love what I do. I do not work for free.

Be still. Just Know.

Many of us have heard and repeated the statement “Be still and know that I AM GOD”, but how many of us actually acknowledge and appreciate those moments? How many of us know how to be still? Do we really even know what that means?
 
Yesterday, first the first time in years, I sat still. I literally spent the entire day in silence absorbing life while looking at the rain. My regular plans of walking around the city and speaking to local business owners, heading to coffee shops to meet with the locals, and fighting the urge to take the route not destined for me, were brought to a halt.  I distinctly heard God tell me to be still. I immediately thought of a rebuttal. I needed to communicate to the magnificent Creator of the universe that I needed to do things to carry His plan out. It was 5:15 in the morning and there were things to be done. Did God understand the status of my clientele before He made that statement? Then the rain started to beat the window even harder and the thunderstorms screamed louder. Again, He said “Be Still”. 
 
And then I was still.  All day, I was still. I sat in the window room on the white couch and took in life. I thought about the last eleven years of my life being spent trying to do everything in my “power” to make things work. School was my thing; I was good at it for ten years post high school. The corporate world was safe. I remembered working two full time jobs at the point in my life when I thought that eighty hour work weeks was what I was supposed to be doing. I was never still. I spent the majority of my younger years leaning unto my own understanding. I talked about faith, but I didn’t employ it. In my still moment, I had the opportunity to believe in the very things that I envision and speak on daily. Let’s be clear, faith without works is dead.  Faith requires action! However, being still when given the command to do so, is as essential. Being still means exactly what it seems to mean. For me, it was hard. Being still wasn’t something that I had ever done. It was needed. It IS needed.
 
Beautiful souls, listen to the voice of God when He speaks. Our still moments are when we can bask in the Glory of God. In our still moments, impossibilities are possible. In our still moments, we understand how we are supposed to act on our faith. Interestingly enough, He wants us to be still when we feel the need to be the busiest—when being still will ruin all of our plans.
 
And then when our plans are redirected, I leave you with this sweet reminder:
 
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith The Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.  Jeremiah 29:11 (KJV)