I can’t even believe that I am doing this! Actually I am very glad that I am, well I think so.
Depression is such a low vibrational expression and the manifestations of it are so daunting that nobody really ever wants to talk about it.
Here you are. People know that something is not right. You want people to care, yet you don’t want to talk about it. You deal with it alone. It begins to eat away at your soul. It’s much easier to sit in the dark, yet you want to find the strength to at least open the room darkening blinds for at least five minutes. You know what’s best but whatever this is keeps holding you down. You cry uncontrollably because you want someone to listen to the words that you aren’t saying. You long for the embrace of someone that just lets you touch their skin. You want to be alone, but not really. You want someone to just get it. And they don’t. You don’t want to ruin another person’s day. You want to be worth it though. You want someone to make you feel worth it. Maybe that’s it! You just want to feel worth it. Or not. Because when they make the slightest gesture that you are a bother, you go right back to where you were. You want to get out of bed to do things, but energy stores are depleted. Everyone thinks you look sickly and that you should eat, but your body spends its energy on survival. It could have more energy to survive if you would just eat, but it takes too much energy to even move.
What a cycle. And nobody gets it unless they’ve been there. Sadness, well that’s one thing. Depression leaves you feeling like you are in a black hole. You know that you have to pull yourself out but, more often than not, it just takes time and dedication.
Fully grasp this! You do not have to suffer anymore. For some reason, people have become addicted to the feeling of suffering. In order to progress, we must suffer. And for those who have been depressed, that’s just part of the course. NO, that’s not true.
Allopathic doctors will prescribe anti depressants that make you feel like you are losing your mind. Friends will do whatever they can by ordering self help books for you or using Dr. Google. Therapists will tell you to talk it out in a programmed format because that’s what they learned in school somewhere, they just don’t understand that talking it out doesn’t work. Intellects will tell you to come up with a plan so that this never happens again. And all you want to do is say STOP! In reality, all you want is for someone to care. Legit, care! Give a _____!
Here’s my story.
After two suicide attempts and countless depression spells, what really got to me was when my mom said that she was going to send me somewhere if I didn’t get it together. Literally, that was it! Most people would think that I was invincible because of the journey that I’ve been riding. Diagnosis, addictions, you name it, that too. I wasn’t invincible though. I just knew how to hold it in so that I wouldn’t bother anybody. I hated the idea of dramatic people so I stayed far from being such. I cried in silence and beat myself up because I never wanted to bother another person. But I really wanted to be loved. I wanted to be embraced. It really wasn’t part of my childhood and that’s what I longed for. I wanted to be safe and secure. And because I wanted all of those things and never really got them in my language, I turned to substances, self destruction, then finally overcompensating for these longings by giving them to everyone else in abundance. I was not depressed, I was burned out and empty. I attracted receivers because I was such a giver. I would call people ‘just because’ and expect that people would do the same for me. I would change my plans to make sure that everybody around me truly felt loved and embraced and expect that people would do the same for me.
What did I learn?
I learned to allow the source of all creation to handle reciprocity. I learned to give from abundance rather than from a void of expectation. I learned that I needed to open my energy flow so that I could live my life on a personal mission. Fear and anger and jealously and depression are compensation for needing to feel safe and secure. I learned that I was not depressed, I was just burned out. I learned that many of the feelings that I embraced came from self hate and lack of understanding who I truly was. I learned that I get to choose how my day goes and that I attract whatever I am ready for. The cycle is over and I am free! I will admit that I still long for embracing and physical touch at times, but when I revert I know that I have a choice. I no longer work to overcompensate. I serve to serve.
Loving humanity back to life through my hands, one beautiful soul at a time. [that’s my mission and I hope that this blog has helped you understand how and why]
Through my practice of reiki and other energy clearing modalities, I serve to free others from the low vibrational forces that cloud judgment and carry on in an endless cycle. I listen and together we tear down unreliable foundations and build in love.
Whenever you are ready to break the addiction from suffering, I am here to serve. http://www.innateexpressionchiro.com
Love and Light!